Over the past week I’ve felt like a bomb has gone off inside me. On the outside it looks like nothing is happening, but inside I am shaken to my core. Depression hit me in the gut. I laid down in bed and did not get up for days. I felt this deep dread that I did not know how to move away from and back to calm.

Today, I got out of bed. I cleaned the house and started redecorating the dining room. Although I do not think, “push through it.” is the best advice all the time, in this case, it was. I needed to prove to myself, to my nervous system that it is okay to get up and move around. Rewiring the nervous system is such a daunting feeling. Yikes! Having to face reality and face myself seems like an impossible feat. I kept thinking this morning, “What if I panic?”, “What if I just lay in bed more?”, “What if I’m not strong enough?,”. These are just a few of the lies that stay on loop in the back of my mind. It plays like a digital picture frame all day. But, I’ve come to realize just how much control I have over those thoughts. I do NOT have to believe those thoughts. I do NOT have to allow my thoughts to control my actions. This is a constant battle. By the time I lay down for bed, my brain is complete mush.

Now what? I do not know. I’m just trying to embrace this current feeling and appreciate the fact that I got myself to this point. Will I feel this motivated tomorrow? I hope so, but I won’t know until tomorrow gets here. What I will do is set realistic goals for that day. Work a little more on the house, journal more, and read.

To be divorced feels like a new beginning, but also a heart wrenching ending. I think about how I’m going to have to handle life on my own again. It’s been so long since I lived alone that I actually forgot how it goes haha! It’s not rocket science, but when emotions are flowing through you like food poisoning, it’s difficult to get moving.

Here’s to another day of figuring it out.