Finally, the time has passed and he is moved out. Wow. This phase had my heart conflicted. Talk about sad. Watching years of my life walk out the door for the last time. This weekend through me into so much self-reflection and prayer. There were moments I didn’t think I would breathe again. I thought, maybe I could get used to functioning at 50%. Doubt, anxiety, and depression swirled in my mind like a tidal wave. But, we the dust settled, I felt at peace. That feeling solidified in me that I made the right decision. When confusion struck, I felt instant guilt. I felt as though I made a mistake, but as I sit in the peace and quiet, I can say that I am proud of myself for not running to comfort and stuck it out. The discomfort was paralyzing. I just wanted to hide from the world. I’ve never been one to feel shame and guilt so strong that it would keep me from being around others. My extravert personality did not know how to manage this feeling.

The next chapter for me is self-discovery. Who am I? What are my passions? What type of future do I want to work towards? Honestly, I have no clue. My therapist pressed into my comment the other day that I do not want to get married again. Granted, when you’re in this chaos, the last thing you want to think about is another romantic relationship, let alone marriage. He asked, “so you’re going to be single for the remainder of your life?”. Maybe. That is something I will need to sit with for a long time. Right now, I’m choosing myself. I’m choosing my peace above all else. Relationship status does not define us. It is not who we are. Yes, it is nice to be with someone who will witness your life alongside you and be your foundation when life gets hard, but it is not necessary to live a fulfilled existence.

Now that I have time to sit with myself and my faith, I feel free. Obviously, I still have moments of anxiety and sadness, but not as strong as it was before. This walk I am taking to the next chapter is difficult. It is exhausting. Don’t get me started on the sleep disruption. I just have faith that I things will workout as they need to. I am not in control of everything. I do not need to be in control of everything for things to workout. I am safe. I am healing.

Where are you at in your journey currently?